A Moment's Ifs
by I will never be loved
Summary: Drifting between the past and present, Kageyama Tobio ponders on the what-could-have-beens in his life. Especially in regard to a certain orange haired boy from his memories.


Kyoto's winter was not kind to old people like Kageyama. No one could blame the elder man for choosing to stay indoors where it was warmer and considerably lacking snow. Kageyama shivered and brought his blankets closer to his frail body. He had chosen to take solace in his study full of aging books about volleyball and life - two things that had aged much better than he did. His daughter told him to go out more, move those rusty bones of his, but Kageyama had reasoned that he had done a lot of moving in his youth.

His daughter grew quiet at that.

His sepia world revolved around his dusty old study and the old fireplace that hadn't been lit for god knows how long. On his desk, several newspapers and letters - both opened and unopened - lay, simply growing older just like everything else in that house. There were newspapers from far back as twenty years ago just sitting there, letters from families he had never met, telling him that the people he once knew were now dust. It was just him now.

Kageyama coughed and wandered over to the barren fireplace.

A week ago he had received a letter from Hinata's family. He didn't need to open it, he knew what was inside, so it rested on top of all the piles of paper that Kageyama never bothered to put away. The letter, regardless of its contents, made Kageyama feel more alone. Now he knew that he was gone. Kageyama knew that he would never see him again. Kageyama knew that he had waited too long, and now it was too late.

He coughed again and started searching for some matches.

* * *

Kageyama had moved to Kyoto right after high school, not because of volleyball, not because he liked Kyoto, not because he wanted a fresh start where no one knew him, no, he had moved to Kyoto for a simple reason: It was far away from Hinata.

Kageyama had known he wasn't normal. He had known from the moment his heart started beating a lot louder around a certain clubmate. He didn't want that, he didn't want Hinata to know that deep down, he wanted to kiss Hinata, to hug him, hold him close to his painful heart and whisper sweet nothings in his ear.

But Kageyama never did that. He never could.

But right now in this sub-zero temperature, he briefly wondered what if he did?

What if Hinata's heart also beat the same way? What if Hinata kissed him back? Would he still smile the same way? Kageyama remembers that he had dreams, in fact he still dreams of it, of Hinata loving him back. The dreams were always short, sweet and included a bright Hinata acting atrociously lovey-dovey with Kageyama.

Kageyama hated those dreams because he knew they would never come true.

_Ah_, he thought as his hand found a small box. _I found matches._

* * *

He remembers breaking the news to Hinata.

Hinata's face had contorted to express an expression that Kageyama had never seen. It was a mixture of sad, hurt and anger. Hinata looked like he was in pain, and for that moment, Kageyama genuinely hated himself.

"It's okay," Hinata had shrugged it off. "You couldn't stay here forever...I bet Kyoto's nice! They have nice tofu, right? I'll come visit you, and you can treat me to tofu, I bet you'll be using that Kyoto dialect, huh? It's gonna sound weird on you though...oh, we'll also play volleyball of course!" Hinata looked just about ready to cry.

Kageyama bitterly smiled.

Hinata never visited, Kageyama never treated him to tofu, they never played that promised volleyball game, and no matter how long he lived in Kyoto, he never could grasp the local dialect.

Back then, Kageyama wanted to tell Hinata that he didn't have to leave, he could've stayed here with Hinata, that he could've stopped his stupid heart from beating around his stupid friend. But he didn't.

"It's fine!" Hinata smiled. "We'll still be friends."

He wondered, if he did, would Hinata have stayed with him? Or would he realize the world had much better things to offer than Kageyama, and be off on his way? Or maybe, just maybe, Hinata would've stayed and loved him back.

But, they wouldn't be normal, and Hinata didn't deserve that. Hinata deserved the world and all it had to offer him - even if that world had no Kageyama.

Kageyama managed to strike a match and he watched the orange flames dance.

* * *

He can't forget the sad look in Hinata's eyes when they graduated. Hinata had been all smiles but Kageyama knew that he was sad. Long after the ceremony ended, Hinata had stayed on the school grounds, so it only followed that Kageyama had stayed with him.

"Hinata," Kageyama called out to him, steeling his voice. "I-"

Hinata's eyes looked hopeful for a moment.

_I like you, I love you, I want us to be together forever._

Kageyama had truly wanted to say that. But he didn't. He couldn't. Not when Hinata looked at him with _those_ eyes.

_I don't like you. I wish you were gone. I'm going to Kyoto so I don't have to see you. I'm leaving you so that I don't have to hear you say that you don't like me._

_But I love you._

_I do._

"I think we should go," Kageyama finished. "Daichi-san said that they have a surprise for us."

"Oh, is that all?"

_No, it's not. There's so much more I want to say. But I...I can't._

"Yes."

Kageyama threw the match onto the rotting wood and watched the flames envelop the fireplace.

It felt...warm.

* * *

"Dumbass, walk straight!"

"Sorry *hic* Tobio-chan," Hinata blubbered out, clinging onto Kageyama as the taller boy tried to walk them both home. Kageyama had honestly no idea that Daichi's surprise included alchohol. He also didn't expect Hinata to jump at the sake and drink like no tomorrow. "I don't feel *hic* so good."

"Of course you don't," Kageyama sighed. "You downed like what, two bottles by yourself? And- wait, did you just call me-"

"S'all your fault, y'know? Saying you're going to Kyoto and all *hic that...did you even wonder how I'd feel about that?" Hinata sniffled. "I don't hate you *hic* you know that right? I- I-"

Kageyama never found out what Hinata had been trying to say in his drunken stupor as the orange head had puked on the grand king. The morning after, Hinata had laughed off the incident and said that he really had no memory of it ever happening. Kageyama didn't believe that. But, it was what Hinata wanted him to believe, so he allowed himself to be fooled.

But, he wonders. What if Hinata had been trying to confess? What if he was asking him to stay?

But, again, Kageyama dismisses that as wishful thinking.

Hinata had hugged him before he left for Kyoto. He wished him good luck, a safe trip and promised to see him again.

As Kageyama left, the space between them grew, and so did the things left unsaid.

The hug had been warm and almost suffocating, but if Kageyama died that way, he probably wouldn't be too sad about that. Warm, he thought. So warm.

He felt the flickers of embers lick his skin, reaching out to him.

But, it's okay, Kageyama had thought.

After all, it's so warm. Warm like his smile, warm like his laugh, warm like his hugs.

Warm…like him.

The flames reached out once more.

Kageyama allows himself to be embraced.

* * *

Kageyama Himawari stands in the middle of her father's study. She never really understood why he chose to hole himself up in such a place. The house had been cleared out, the invitations and the letters had been sent and the messages of condolences had arrived.

It had been a sunny day in the middle of winter when Kageyama Tobio returned to the ground.

As Himawari pushed all the yellowing newspapers and letters into the garbage, a single unopened letter caught her eye. It was in a black envelope, embellished with silver. It was from a person named Hinata Shoyou, addressed to her father.

She supposed it wouldn't hurt to read it.

_I love you. I did, I do and I always will._

Himawari was confused at the short message. Shrugging it off, she tossed it into the trash.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Okay, so this was written for Haikyuu PH Fandom Week with the prompt "anything under the sun".

I'm too lazy and tired to fix this since i almost forgot to do this, and everything is all over the place, but there is a lot of symbolism everywhere and shiz, hats off to you if you figure some out. Quick explanation the story is basically Kageyama denying the fact or possibility that Hinata could ever love him (coz he's an obnoxious piece of shit), making a huge ass mistake, growing old, thinking of what ifs and finally allowing himself to believe in the possibility that he could be loved (and the letter proves that his love is returned).

And yes, Himawari is Kageyama's daughter, named after our favorite sunshine boy.

Okay I'm done ranting. Sorry for grammar mistakes and a whole mess of a story but I hope you liked it.


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